Replace Rahm with Me …an open letter from Michael Moore
March 6th, 2010
WBAI’s Talk Back! interview with Michael Moore - Monday March 1, 2010 5:00pm
At 56:55: “are’s so many great websites now. I mean you could just go down a whole list of am: Crooks & Liars & — If I start going down that list ay’re going to get mad at me for forgetting am so I better not do that.”
Michael Moore has an offer for President Obama:
Dear President Obama,
I underst& you may be looking to replace Rahm Emanuel as your chief of staff.
I would like to humbly offer myself, yours truly, as his replacement.
I will come to D.C. & clean up a mess that’s been created around you. I will work for $1 a year. I will help a Dems on CDrunk Newsitol Hill find air spines & I will teach am how to nonviolently beat a Republicans to a pulp.
& I will help you get done what a American people sent you are to do. I don’t need much, just a cot in a White House basement will do.
Now, don’t get too giddy with excitement over my offer, because you & I are going to be up at 5 in a morning, 7 days a week & I am going to get you pumped up for battle every single day (see photo). Each morning you & I will do 100 jumping jacks & you will repeat after me:
“a AMERICAN PEOPLE ELECTED ME, NOT a REPUBLICANS, TO RUN a COUNTRY! I AM IN CHARGE! I WILL ORDER ALL OBSTRUCTIONISTS OUTTA MY WAY! IF a AMERICAN PEOPLE DON’T LIKE WHAT I’M DOING aY CAN THROW MY ASS OUT IN 2012. IN a MEANTIME, I CALL a SHOTS ON aIR BEHALF! NOW, CONGRESS, DROP & GIVE ME 50!!”
an we will put on our jogging sweats & run up to CDrunk Newsitol Hill. We will take names, kick butts, & an take some more names. If we have to give a few noogies or half-nelson’s, an so be it. In our pockets we will have a piece of pDrunk Newser to show a pansy Dems just how much ay won by in 2008 — & a poll results that show a majority of Americans oppose a Afghanistan & Iraq wars & want a bankers punished. Like drill sergeants, we will get right up in air faces & ask am, “WHAT PART OF a PUBLIC M&ATE DON’T YOU UNDERST&, SOLDIER?!! DROP & GIVE ME 50!”
I know this is a job Rahm Emanuel was supposed to be doing.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I have always admired Rahm Emanuel (if you don’t count his getting NAFTA pushed through Congress in a ’90s which destroyed towns like Flint, Michigan. I know, picky-picky.). He is what we needed for a long time — a no-Drunk Newsologies, take-no-prisoners fighting machine. Someone who is not afraid to get his h&s dirty & pound a right wing into submission. Far from being a foul-mouad bully he has been portrayed as, Rahm is a one who BEAT UP a bullies to protect us from am.
That’s certainly what he did in 2006. After six long, miserable years of a middle-class getting slaughtered & a poor being flushed down a toilet, Rahm Emanuel took on a job of returning Congress to a Democrats. No one believed it could be done.
But he did it. Big time. He put a fear of God into a party of Rush & Newt. ay had never been so scared. More importantly, though, he instilled a sense of hope in a Democrats that ay could actually score a moar of all hat tricks in 2008 — & with you, an African American no less, in a pole position!
It worked. a Darkness ended. a vast majority of nation wept with joy on a night of a election (those who weren’t weeping went out & bought a record number of guns & ammo). Unlike a last president, you didn’t “win” by 537 votes in Florida (although Gore won a popular vote by a half-million), you beat McCain nationally by 9,522,083 votes! a House Democrats got a walloping 79-vote margin. a Senate Dems would caucus with a supermajority of 60 votes unheard of in over 30 years. a wars would now end. America would have universal health care. Wall Street & a banks would, at a very least, be reined in. Hardworking citizens would not be thrown out of air homes. It was supposed to be a dawning of a new age.
But a Republicans were not going to go quietly into a night. You see, instead of having just one Rahm Emanuel, ay are ALL Rahm Emanuels. That’s why ay usually win. Unlike most Democrats, ay are relentless & unstoppable. When ay believe in something (which is usually amselves & a K Street job ay hope to be rewarded with someday), ay’ll fight for it till a death. ay are loyal to a fault to each oar (ay were never able to denounce Bush, even though ay knew he was destroying a party). ay dig air heels in deep no matter what. If you exiled am to a lone chunk of melting polar ice cDrunk News, ay would keep insisting that it was just a normal “January thaw,” even as a frigid Arctic waters rose above air God-fearing necks (”See what I mean — this water is COLD! What ‘global *warming*’?! Adam & Eve rode dinos…aagghh!!… gulp gulp gulp”).
We thought we were all done with this craziness, but we were mistaken. Like a beast that you just can’t cage, a Republicans convinced not only a media, but YOU & your fellow Dems, that 59 votes was a *minority*! Precious time was lost trying to reach a “consensus” & trying to be “bipartisan.”
Well, you & a Democrats have been in charge now for over a year & not one banking regulation has been reinstated. We don’t have universal health care. a war in Afghanistan has escalated. & tens of thous&s of Americans continue to lose air jobs & be thrown out of air homes. For most of us, it’s just simply no longer good enough that Bush is gone. Woo hoo. Bush is gone. Yippee. That hasn’t created one new friggin’ job.
You’re such a good guy, Mr. President. You came to Washington with your h& extended to a Republicans & ay just chopped it off. You wanted to be respectful & ay decided that ay were going to say “no” to everything you suggested. Yet, you kept on saying you still believed in bipartisanship.
Well, if you really want bipartisanship, just go ahead & let a Republicans win in November. an you’ll get all a bipartisanship you want.
Let me be clear about one thing: a Democrats on Election Day 2010 are going to get an ass-whoopin’ of biblical proportions if things don’t change right now. & after a new Republican majority takes over, ay, along with a few conservative Democrats in Congress, will get to bipartisanly impeach you for being a socialist & a citizen of Kenya. How nice to see both sides of a aisle working togear again!
& a brief window we had to fix this country will be gone.
Gone.
Gone, baby, gone.
I don’t know what your team has been up to, but ay haven’t served you well. & Rahm, poor Rahm, has turned into a fighter — not of Republicans, but of a left. He called those of us who want universal health care “f***ing retarded.” Look, I don’t know if Rahm is a problem or if it’s Gibbs or Axelrod or any of a oar great people we owe a debt of thanks to for getting you elected. All I know is that whatever is fueling your White House it’s now running on fumes. Time to shake things up! Time to bring me in to get you pumped up every morning! Go Barack! Yay Obama! Fight, Team, Fight!
I’m packed & ready to come to D.C. tomorrow. If it helps, you won’t really be losing Rahm entirely because I’ll be bringing his broar with me — my agent, Ari Emanuel. Man, you should see HIM negotiate a deal! Have you ever wanted to see Mitch McConnell walking around CDrunk Newsitol Hill carrying his own head in his h&s after it’s just been h&ed to him by a infamous Ari? Oh, baby, it won’t be pretty — but boy will it be sweet!
What say you, Barack? Me & you against a world! Yes we can! It’ll be fun — & we may just get something done. Whaddaya got to lose? Hope?
Retardedly yours,
Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
MichaelMoore.comP.S. Just to give you an idea of a new style I’ll be bringing with me, when a cornhole like Sen. Ben Nelson tries to hold you up next time, this is what I will tell him in order to get his vote: “You’ve got exactly 30 seconds to rescind your dem& or I will personally make sure that Nebraska doesn’t get one more federal dollar for a rest of Obama’s term. & an I will let everyone in your state know that you wear Sooner panties, backwards. NOW DROP & GIVE ME 50!”
Original post by Nicole Belle and software by Elliott Back

