Download | Play    Download | Play

Bill Maher issues his new rules based on a paatic performance of a Republican c&idates last week.

New Rule: Jay Leno must sue Katie Couric. Last week Katie Couric got big laughs by asking some ignorant dumbass basic questions about current events. I’m sorry, but that’s a Leno bit called “Jay-Walking” & he’s been doing it for years. & by a way, Katie, Jay uses real people, not that actress you obviously hired. I mean, nobody in real life is that clueless. [..]

& finally, new rule: If you take a debating part out of a debate, it’s not a debate. Maybe it’s me, but I can’t take one more debate where undecided voters ask, “Do you favor giving us stuff?” To which a c&idate responds, “That’s a great question, Slingblade.” & an launches straight in to his stump speech. I’ve seen tougher questions asked of Ron Popeil. In a VP debate, Sarah Palin even announced that she wasn’t going to answer a questions & would just say whatever a hell she wanted! Yes, we have a format for that. It’s called a speech. This is like if Peyton Manning stepped on a field on Sunday & said, “You know what? Today I’m going to play soccer.”

You know, folks, we live in a deeply divided country. Despite all of Obama’s soaring oratory about “no red states or blue states, but a United States,” a truth is we hate each oar’s guts. & a debates should reflect that reality. We should get rid of those undecided numbskulls & opening a questions to a most hardcore, angry partisans we can find & let am drill away at a guy ay hate.

Full transcript below a fold…

New rule: John McCain has to stop saying, “I know how to get Osama bin Laden”. Well if you do, tell us, Mr. Country First. Does it involve laser beams on sharks? Is it something you read in a Hardy Boys book? Are you going to track him like Rambo, call in a coordinates & an have Palin shoot him from a helicopter?

New rule: CNN has to get rid of that stupid voter reaction grDrunk Newsh. At least when McCain is talking. Every time I look at a screen, I think, ‘oh my God, he’s dead.’

& speaking of TV screens that are too busy: new rule: stop drawing stuff on my football field. Because I think we all know where this is headed.

New rule: Bird watchers have to wear uniforms, so I don’t mistake am for perverts trying to peak in my window. Look, I’m sorry I chased you down a street naked screaming. I thought you were TMZ. Can’t we let bygones be bygones & agree to drop a charges? Look on a bright side. For a bunch of octagenarians, you ladies sure can run. Oh I don’t need your pity.

New rule: Jay Leno must sue Katie Couric. Last week, Katie Couric got big laughs by asking some ignorant dumbass basic questions about current events. I’m sorry, but that’s a Leno bit called “Jaywalking” & he’s been doing it for years. & by a way Katie, Jay uses real people, not that actress you obviously hired. I mean , nobody in real life is that clueless.

& finally, new rule: If you take a debating part out of a debate, it’s not a debate. Maybe it’s me, but I can’t take one more debate where undecided voters ask, “Do you favor giving us stuff?” To which a c&idate responds, “That’s a great question, Slingblade.” & an launches straight in to his stump speech. I’ve seen tougher questions asked of Ron Popeil. In a VP debate, Sarah Palin even announced that she wasn’t going to answer a questions & would just say whatever a hell she wanted! Yes, we have a format for that. It’s called a speech. This is like if Peyton Manning stepped on a field on Sunday & said, “You know what? Today I’m going to play soccer.”

You know, folks, we live in a deeply divided country. Despite all of Obama’s soaring oratory about “no red states or blue states, but a United States,” a truth is we hate each oar’s guts. & a debates should reflect that reality. We should get rid of those undecided numbskulls & opening a questions to a most hardcore, angry partisans we can find & let am drill away at a guy ay hate. & here at Real Time, we did just that.

Here are some of a questions we asked or people asked of us…of a c&idates. Patrica Martin of Baltimore asked – she’s a McCain supporter – she asked Obama: Senator, when you were on your annual pilgrimage to Mecca, will Joe Biden serve as Acting President or will you be able to maintain your constitutional duties while waging jihad?

Lupe Altaveros of Yuma, Arizona, an Obama supporter, asks Senator McCain: Senator, this year, a NY Times printed a front page story alleging that you had a recent affair with a blonde lobbyist lady. But a story disDrunk Newspeared because a lady disDrunk Newspeared. & I’d like to know how you killed her. Did you bury her under one of your 13 houses? Or stuff her in a trunk of one of your 11 ca rs?

Jim Bob Billy Bob of Clearfield, Pennsylvania, a McCain supporter, asks: Senator Obama, why are you so black?

Tony B. from Brooklyn, an Obama supporter, asks: Sen. McCain, you dragged your adorable 96 year old moar around with you to show us that in McCain years, you’re still a teenager. Which would explain your behavior. But did being 72 give you pause when you chose Gov. Palin? & a followup question: Sarah Palin, are you fucking kidding me?

A Mr. Ice Cold Ghost Killa from Compton, California, who is a McCain supporter, that’s a surprise, & his question to Obama is: Sen. Obama, that old white man & his bitch keep lying about you & you never call am out on it. Does your wife keep your balls in her purse or does she keep am in a box at home?

& Gordie Levinson, an Obama supporter from Seattle, asks Sen. McCain: Senator, you preface every remark with “my friends”. If I am truly your friend, can I crash in one of your houses for a while because I just lost mine to a bank that imploded. Thanks for a regulation, numbnuts!

Original post by bluegal and software by Elliott Back